The Joke and funny stuff thread

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luxstang

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I´ve seen lots of jokes posted on the board lately. Shouldn´t we just open a thread where everyone post their funny stuff, jokes and funny pictures?

Could this be the one? ;)

Here we go then:

As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, rolls down the window and says to her, "I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."

The little girl says, "No, I not getting in the car."

The next day the same man pulls up again, rolls down the window and says to the same little girl, "I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."

The little girl repeats, "No, I'm not getting in the car."

The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she will get into the car.

"No Dad," replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Chevy!"

Your turn now.

:D

 
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Last week a bunch of folks were handing out pamphlets near the mall. I looked at the one they had given me and said:" Hey, what´s the deal? There´s nothing written on it!"

The guy sais:"Yeah, sure! We´re atheists!"

 
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



Here's another one...

A guy in a bar in texas smoking a cigar and wearing a cowboy hat is showing off about how rich he is and how much land he owns. A young guy is tired of the crap the guy is talking and goes over to him and says "how much land do you exactly own?". The rich texan replies "Well son, if I get in my truck to drive, at sunrise, I still wont be at the other end of my property at sunset" and the young guy goes "Yeah I know what you mean, I used to drive a chevy too"

 
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Thanks Don.

Good ones! :D


A penguin's car breaks down while on the way home so he gets towed to the garage.

The mechanic says he'll be about 20" so the penguin might as well go for a walk.

While he's out the penguin stops for an ice-cream.

Bit of a messy eater, the ice-cream is all around his mouth when he finishes.

He heads back into the garage, the mechanic sticks his head out from under the car and says:

"Looks like you've blown a seal."

Penguin says "No, it was an ice-cream!!"

seal.jpg

 
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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with Adam, the first man." So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?" Adam says yes.

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

There's too much front end protrusion.

It chatters at high speeds.

The rear end wobbles too much.

The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on."

So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the celestial computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 
A man is watching his daughter in the playground at the park when all of a sudden, right in the middle of the playground one dog in heat is being stuffed by a male dog.

The little girl runs up to the father, "Daddy, daddy, do you see what is happening with those 2 dogs."

Not wanting to ruin the innocence of his daughter, the father explains, "It's okay honey. The dog on top has hurt it's leg, so the dog on the bottom is just helping it along by giving it a ride."

Without missing a beat, the little girl says, "Isn't that just like a boy. The minute a girl tries to help out a boy, the boy f*&$%%%%s her over."

 
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The preacher fainted!..

 
"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the celestial computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
That's because of the double airbags. That was a helluva marketing stunt!!!!!

 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 40 pounds.

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat ??

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A: She's starting to wear your wife's clothes.

 
Ok here's an oldie but goodie:

Young boy sitting at the breakfast table with his little brother. He turns to the younger and says, "Since I am 10 and you are 8; I think we are getting old enough to start cussing! I'll say HELL and you say ASS."

The little brother gets all excited and says, "Yeah; that sounds fun!"

So mother comes in the kitchen and asks the older brother, "Honey, what would you like for breakfast?"

He replies, "Well HELL mom, just give me some Cherrios."

The mother, very upset, grabs him and start whipping him as he screams and cries all the way into his beadroom.

She returns to the kitchen, finding the younger brother looking scared.

Then she asks, "And just what do YOU want, little man?!"

He slowly raises his head and says "Momma, I dont' know, but you can bet your ASS it won't be Cherrios!"

Ray

 
The Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50,000 if you think it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You are so generous!'

MAN: “You are worth it. 'Bye!'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths agape.

The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody know whose phone this is?"

 
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