Post your funny stories, jokes, cartoons, etc.

Help Support 7173Mustangs.com:

midlife

Shorts checker
Joined
Jan 24, 2012
Messages
4,079
Reaction score
496
Location
Tucson, AZ
My Car
No Mustangs at the moment.
I'll start.  I read this several years ago and apparently it won a first prize for a contest for wackiest Xmas story...

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. “Boy, that

turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,”Hang on Granny! Hang on!” My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

 
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
829
Reaction score
197
Location
UK
My Car
Various
So I wake up one Sunny Sunday and think "it's Fluids change day" wooohoo

At the time I was working on my Green Sportyroof up on the jack stands. I get my fat ass into my overalls, and plastic protective gloves, drag out my tools and, with a bowl located underneath, immediately wrench away at the FMX’s cute little blue pan.  :wrench:
My hand slipped due to grease  – the pan was no longer level – fluid ran down my arm and I get a cupful in my mouth, along with a cherry colored face wash. …so much for wearing gloves.
Then  like a wine connoisseur I pronounced “…. Yes, a very cheeky vintage, I’m definitely getting hint of Chateau de well worn Torque Converter”…  :thumb:
Aged type F is an interesting flavour – though I really don’t recommend it.

After I had gargled my FMX type F – I decided to clean myself up and swallow a couple of pints of water to dilute what little had gone into me.

Later that day – fully cleaned up, I now do my Chef impersonation in the kitchen making things with fresh chillies cooking for wife and kiddie

So I’m as happy as Larry, cutting away Onions, Celery, Fresh ginger – then the Chillies. Then on one cut, one real juicy chilli squirts out some of its venom. Why, in the name of blue f**k, when juice comes out of anything in the kitchen, it knows exactly to within 100µm where your eye is?

I’m now breakdancing in the kitchen with a VERY sharp knife. :biggrin:

 
Last edited by a moderator:

Kilgon

VIP Members
Joined
Sep 8, 2018
Messages
1,610
Reaction score
543
Location
Ross, Ohio
My Car
71 Sportsroof Bright Red.

I was stationed at Camp Evans in Vietnam.  The terrain of the base was hilly and our company sat in a low area with the base perimeter next to it. Our latrine sat down at the bottom of a slope at the lowest part of our company area and right next to the base perimeter.  Our latrines were not the best smelling during the hot summer. 

I had to go take care of business one night and was on my way to the latrine when I ran into some tear gas that someone had decided to set off while on guard duty out  on the perimeter.   One thing you have to remember is that the army is made up of young men between the ages of 18 to early 20's who still like to be boys from time to time.  

Needing to go but unable to continue on due to my eyes tearing up and my nose running I went back to my hooch to got my gas mask so I could go back to the latrine and take care of the much needed business.  Ahhh - mission accomplished!    

As I headed back up the slope to my hooch with my mask on yet I  ran in to our company's Master Sergeant who was coming down.   Seeing me with my mask on he stopped dead in his tracks and said if the latrine smell that dam bad he would find another place to go.  Before I could say anything he headed off in another direction.   Don't know where he went that night but hope he just needed to whiz.   :biggrin:

 
Last edited by a moderator:

OMS

Vendors
Joined
Jul 22, 2010
Messages
4,563
Reaction score
160
Location
ohio
My Car
xxx
I was dropping off several wiring harnesses to a guy to have them refurbished.

At that time he lived in a warm south east part of the county and what I thought was odd.

He had a fireplace in every room, who the heck has a fireplace in every room including the bathroom.

 
Last edited by a moderator:

Kilgon

VIP Members
Joined
Sep 8, 2018
Messages
1,610
Reaction score
543
Location
Ross, Ohio
My Car
71 Sportsroof Bright Red.

I was dropping off several wiring harnesses to a guy to have them refurbished.

At that time he lived in a warm south east part of the county and what I thought was odd.

He had a fireplace in every room, who the heck has a fireplace in every room including the bathroom.
Midlife?  :whistling:

 

midlife

Shorts checker
Joined
Jan 24, 2012
Messages
4,079
Reaction score
496
Location
Tucson, AZ
My Car
No Mustangs at the moment.
Don never delivered wiring to me in person (the correctional facility director wouldn't let him past the front door). 

No fireplace for me in Florida, although I used a wood burning stove exclusively for heat from 1980 to 2000 in Oregon and Virginia.  Definitely the most comfortable heat there is.

 

midlife

Shorts checker
Joined
Jan 24, 2012
Messages
4,079
Reaction score
496
Location
Tucson, AZ
My Car
No Mustangs at the moment.
An eighty-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of twenty-one. His trusted friend and adviser, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long an old man would be able to satisfy such a young bride and feared for his friend’s happiness. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand would probably help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea.
Four months later, the banker called on his friend. ‘How’s your new wife?’ he asked.
‘She’s pregnant,’ replied the old man.
The banker smiled knowingly. ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
‘Oh, she’s pregnant, too!’

 

computercarguy

...can't get there from here...
Joined
May 8, 2014
Messages
606
Reaction score
43
Location
Northern NY
My wife's uncle came back from church with two black eyes. Of course everybody wanted to know how he got them. Here is his story. "I was minding my own business when we were all asked to rise. It was then that I noticed the lady if front of me with her dress tucked into her bum cheeks. It looked mighty uncomfortable and being as we were in church I thought it would be right good of me to pull it out for her. Apparently not as she turned around, gave me a quick dirty look and clocked me right in the eye!" Somebody added, "that explains one of the black eyes. What about the other?" Uncle scratched his chin and added "I figured I upset her pulling her skirt out of her crack. So thinking she wanted it there, I pushed it back in ."  Black eye number two!

 

Don C

Fords Forever
Joined
Jan 1, 2012
Messages
8,108
Reaction score
865
Location
Springfield, OR
My Car
1971 Mustang Sportroof M code
[SIZE=24pt]A Trip To The Doctor's Office[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a small jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt] HaHa - What were you thinking?[/SIZE]

 ​
 
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
8,032
Reaction score
489
Location
Western North Carolina
My Car
Multiple Mustangs!
This is a true one happened to me.
When I took my job at Spartanburg Steel Products, Inc. they had included a months free stay in motel in Spartanburg. So I did it. Would come in each afternoon and it being warm weather they had a happy hour outside. I had made friends with a guy doing business in the area and we had drinks each afternoon.
Se we are sitting outside and this huge tour bus pulls up with U.S Calendar Girls down the side and like a flag waving.

The door opens and all these gorgeous scantly clad gals get off. Tank tops, no bra, Daisy Dukes, wow wow. They come over to the bar and order drinks and tell us that they are a traveling strip show doing a show at a local pool and dance hall. They get their drinks and head inside to check in their rooms.

Well happy hour is over so me and my friend go inside to the bar. A guy comes in and sits down and he is from Sweden I think he was, there for some BMW stuff.

Here come the gals back down with really hot outfits on now barely clad. The leader of the group comes over and sits in my lap and asks me, "You want to ride with us on the bus to the show". I told her no that I would get in trouble for sure. They go get on the bus and the foreign guy says who was that? We tell him they are strippers. He gets all excited when we tell him they take ALL their clothes off. He begs us to take him to the show and he will pay our way. So we finish our drinks and go like 1/2 mile to the place. I get $5.00 out and put in my pocket. As soon as we come in the door the leader of the group comes bouncing over, no top, and G string on, and gives me a hug and thanks us for coming. I whisper in her ear that the guy is from Sweden to show him how it is done in the U.S.A.. I put the $5.00 in her G string.

She gets the guy by the arm leads him out on the dance floor. Gets a chair and sits him down. Of course there is music playing and she gives him a lap dance and then stands up and bends over and pulls her G string off. She steps off a distance from him then starts doing back flips and ends up with her crotch right in his face in a hand stand. We all laughed until we cried and the Swedish guy could not quit smiling.

Then the movie Dumb and Dumber comes out and they turn down a ride on tour bus with a load of strippers. I do not know who told them about my experience but they copied it, lol.

Wish I could go back and say yes.

 

Don C

Fords Forever
Joined
Jan 1, 2012
Messages
8,108
Reaction score
865
Location
Springfield, OR
My Car
1971 Mustang Sportroof M code
For any of you that have had to deal with contractors, you'll appreciate this one

Boat & Dingy 3.jpg

 

c9zx

VIP Members
Joined
Sep 30, 2010
Messages
5,426
Reaction score
332
Location
Mustang, OK.
My Car
1972 Mach 1 Q code
2007 GT
1969 Cougar Eliminator B302
CSX 7000 Shelby Cobra FIA
2020 Edge ST
2002 F250 V10
Yep, they is how they paid for the boat. Chuck

 

Fabrice

VIP Members
Joined
Mar 30, 2017
Messages
2,138
Reaction score
454
Location
The Netherlands
My Car
73 Grande 351C
71 Mach 1 429CJ
true story, not a week old.

If you're having a leaking rear end and problems with brakes to solve, at some point you need to bleed the brakes system again (just celebrated the 5th time in a month last weekend)

I usually ask my wife to pump the pedal while I go thru the 4 nippels while keeping an eye on the level after each one.

Last weekend, it was pumping time again. So while me laying under the car, she was behind the steering wheel talking with our neighbour's wife thru the open window....

me: Pump please...[ noises of pumping ]
a few secs pass...
me: Dang it, I must have a leak somewhere or mc is dead, nothing comes out
me: Pump faster, deeper please [ faster pumping noise ]
me: You can stop

no change, no fluid coming out thru the connected hose. Stood up and went at the mc check the level. 
me: I don't understand what's going on, nothing happen, level is unchanged.. what on earth is going on?!
neighbour's wife: I see this thing moving back and forth when she pumps, pointing at the accelerator linkage...

 

c9zx

VIP Members
Joined
Sep 30, 2010
Messages
5,426
Reaction score
332
Location
Mustang, OK.
My Car
1972 Mach 1 Q code
2007 GT
1969 Cougar Eliminator B302
CSX 7000 Shelby Cobra FIA
2020 Edge ST
2002 F250 V10
Between all the "nipple and pumping deeper and harder references" I thought you were talking about something else. Too funny! The accelerator instead of the brake pedal was also funny. Translations often result in humorous outcomes. Well done Fabrice. Chuck

 

midlife

Shorts checker
Joined
Jan 24, 2012
Messages
4,079
Reaction score
496
Location
Tucson, AZ
My Car
No Mustangs at the moment.
As I live now in Tucson, AZ, this picture/meme is very true!

194297778_10223340906264872_8627424941425577327_n.jpg


 

Latest posts

Top