Modern Zen Teachings

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Location
Eugene, OR
My Car
1971 Mustang Sportroof M code
1.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.

In fact, just pi$$ off and leave me alone.

2.

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.

No one is listening until you pass gas.

4.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.

Neither one works.

17.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our rear.

Then things just keep getting worse.

20.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 
Good ones.

there is one that I used as a sig for a while:

21: Today you lose, tomorrow the others win.

and my favorite by Terry Pratchet:

22: “Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

 
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“When you're up to your nose in ****, keep your mouth shut”

 
This one is very true

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Did I mention I still have boat fever:mad:

 
I know why you got the boat bug now!

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- Bass fishing.

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that

I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

Dennis

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.

image002[1].jpg

Dear Dennis

Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.

That's a nice pair of bass!

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

 
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