Common Tool Descriptions and Use
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly finished panel you had placed in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes to say: “What the …??!!
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Can also be used to sprain wrists and crack knuckles.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.
EZ-OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known substance that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw used by most shops to cut good hardwood stock into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the scrap bin after you cut on the wrong side of the line.
CRAFTSMAN ½ X 24 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old style oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to make Phillips screws non-removable or rounding torx screws.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint or varnish cans, can also be used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple and mash the material surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally used as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of diving rod to locate the most expensive part adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
BOX CUTTER: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door, works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines and all rubber or plastic parts. Also useful for slicing through work clothes, but only when wearing them.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
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