Post your funny stories, jokes, cartoons, etc.

[cjstaci]

 

[73 Mach 1 4 me]

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I was wearing one every time I went out in public as a protest against mask. I think I opened some peoples eyes

 

[Mach I Pony]

My daughter calls this a Dad Joke.
So one day a grandfather and grandson are sitting on the front porch watching the cars go by. Suddenly in the distance they here the roar of powerful V8 winding up.
The grandson stands up and stares up the road and before can see what it is, a Mustang
MACH I flies by, he recognizes it by the taillights.
He explains" WOW GRANDDAD DID YOU SEE THAT !!!!!!"
Granddad say "Naught, what was it"
The he grandson say " It was a Mustang."
Grandad nonchalantly "Say I owned one one those"
The grandson say " Wow really, how many horse?"
Granddad Answers "Well. . . one"

 

[JessieJim]

My fav meme

 

[Spike Morelli]

You don't have to be lonely.....

 

[Spike Morelli]

I just told her...

 

[Spike Morelli]

Car sounds hideous....

 

[Grant Le Bon]

THE FOOD LION PSYCHO CASHIER MASSACRE

It's the night before Christmas Eve, 2022 and I'm doing the very last of my Christmas shopping. I've just purchased a gift item, a Shelf Elf, down the road at CVS, exchanged 'Merry Christmases' with the friendly personnel there and traveled the short distance to the Lyman FOOD LION Store #2642 to make my final Christmas purchase, a Franzia Box Wine.

With it in hand, yours truly is full of the good old Christmas spirit as I head for the register where I want to complete this simple transaction and tell all those present, 'Have A Merry Christmas!'

But the cashier and bagboy here do not want to have this kind of interaction with me. They have something else in mind.
: ( : ( : (

It's 10:20 PM and this FOOD LION closes in 40 minutes.
This should be a fun and cheerful Christmassy purchase. What could possibly go wrong?

As I approach the lone open register in the store (in hindsight, no way in hell to avoid these two assclowns - grrrrr!) the cashier, cashier 0130 per my receipt, smirks at me then looks at the bagboy who immediately joins in with her 'fun'.

No friendly smiles or warm season's greetings to be had in this FOOD LION tonight!

I say, 'Hey', to the cashier in an effort to break the ice and warm them up a bit, but she responds with a PSYCHO DEATH STARE while the dopey-looking bagboy looks on with a cretinous smirk on his face.

I see that I'm dealing with someone who isn't in the best of moods, probably doesn't want to be working at this moment, hates everything about her life and lack thereof, isn't currently playing with a full deck and I'm her current target and she has a moronic bagboy-fanboy to cheer her on. It appears to be just the 3 of us in the store and these TWO THINGS are about to give me a 'private show'.

Henceforth, let us refer to the psycho cashier as THING 1 and it's puerile bagboy-fanboy as THING 2. Marvelous!

THING 1 yanks the Box Wine from my hand as I'm not quite finished placing it on the belt and I look up to see that it is still giving me the PSYCHO DEATH STARE! Oh boy, this is going to be good.

I'm not easily bullied or intimidated. I've been there. Done it. Own the t-shirt.

I was a MILITARY POLICEMAN in the U.S. ARMY.

So I find this all strangely amusing.

I look directly down at the Gomerish-looking THING 2 (it's rather small) while it continues smirking but looks away.

That's good. I've established dominance over THING 2, which, with it's silly smirk reminds me of the inbred banjo playing kid in the movie Deliverance, but THING 1 which is taller than THING 2, is, in the parlance of our times, STILL TRIPPING HARD.

It's still seethingly mad, about what, I can't begin to fathom, and not speaking as it jerks away from me to scan my item and shove it forward.

Having never experienced this level of ridiculous insanity before... I suddenly find myself in THE TWILIGHT ZONE with the psycho THING 1 and the dim-witted THING 2 and everything feels like it's happening in SLOW MOTION.
This time-dilation effect gives me a moment to reflect on what I'm observing and postulate a meaning behind it all...

It appears to me that what the psycho THING 1 is doing is a 'show' to impress the dim-witted THING 2 and judging by THING 2's face which continues to contort and smirk with goofy delight, THING 1's efforts are paying off and winning it over in a big way.

God, I hope these two produce non-viable eggs when they hook-up later.

But now it's time for me to pay...

THING 1 has scanned my item and has resumed it's PSYCHO DEATH STARE.
As the faux psychologist in me observes this strange insanity play out I realise that the fuel for atleast some of this demented psycho-drama must be THING 1's low self-esteem, due primarily to a negative body image because THING 1 looks like a more deranged version of serial killer Aileen Wuornos. Yuck!

I wonder how many dead bodies are in it's past...

As I begin to insert my credit card into the reader an awful and ungodly smell of what I can only describe as rotten eggs and putrid fish co-mingled with steaming shit enters my nostrils. THING 1 has apparently shit it's pants!

I hurriedly...
complete the transaction with credit card and THING 1 quickly and forcefully stiff-arms my receipt at my face.

Wow! THING 1 is the gift that keeps on giving! At both ends! I almost laugh as I take the receipt but I'm holding my breath and trying not to choke on the puke that I feel welling up in the back of my throat...

I must escape these TWO THINGS if I want to live!

Having emptied it's bowels upon itself, THING 1 resumes it's PSYCHO DEATH STARE, never breaking character.

'An Oscar winning PSYCHOTIC performance! Three thumbs up!!!' - says Gene Roger Siskel-Ebert of THE DAILY PSYCHOPATH

Because I'm such a nice guy and it will soon be Christmas Eve I still somehow manage to choke out the word, 'Thanks'. Again, THING 1 gives no reply. It just stares as it stands boldly and upright in it's invisible cloud of hydrogen sulfide and other noxious odors.

...Whew, I've survived almost a minute among these THINGS!!! This must be FOOD LION's version of Survivor.

I'm glad I can leave now and finally get away from THING 1 and THING 2's very draining, foul-smelling and psychotic mating ritual and join the real world of normal, sane and happy adult human beings who are full of Christmas cheer and start drinking.

As a last reminder of this night, THING 2 is still smirking like a little crazy jackass as I collect my Box Wine and leave.

I reported these two assclowns to FOOD LION on Facebook and the store manager, Lacresha, gave me a call and invited me to come to the store and pick up a $25 dollar gift card, which I did.

But I'll be redeeming this at another FOOD LION in an effort mostly to avoid THING 1's deadly shit clouds.

However, I'd like to thank THING 1 and THING 2 for helping me earn $25 dollars for less than one minute of smirk.

Oh, and one more thing...
Have A Merry Christmas! ;-)

 

[midlife]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!

 

[cjstaci]

Awesome joke! I am still laughing

 

[cjstaci]

 

[rcadd1ct]

Hehe

 

[PoFoMoCo]

A very streetwise cop sees a man driving down the street with five penguins in his back seat. The cop stops him and says: "Sir, why are you driving around with five penguins in your car? You can’t drive around the city with penguins in your back seat. The man replies: "What penguins? The cop points to the penguins in the back seat and says “those penguins”. The man replies again “What penguins?. The cop, now frustrated with the man points to the penguins in the man’s back seat and says, “ those penguins, those penguins right there. Take those penguins to the zoo right now or I’ll throw your ass in jail. The man replies, “ok officer I’ll take them to the zoo." ​

The cop sees the man drive off in the direction of the city zoo. The cop thinks finally job done, end of story. Or, so he thought.​

The very next day, the cop sees the same man driving around with the five penguins in his back seat. The cop, now angry stops the man again and asks, "What the hell man! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!!!" The man obviously amused says, “ I did… we had such a good time, today we’re going to the beach!”​

 

[basstrix]

On a very hot summer day, a penguin is driving down route 66 when his check engine light comes on. With steam pouring from under the hood, he pulls into a service station and talks to the attendant. The attendant tells him it'll be a half hour before they can get to his car. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he waddles over to cool off with an ice cream. After a half hour has passed, he heads back over to the station where he approaches the attendant.....Mr Penguin! It looks like you've blown a seal. Blushing, Mr Penguin wipes off his beak and says...oh no, sir, that's just ice cream.

 

[Cleveland Crush]

On a very hot summer day, a penguin is driving down route 66 when his check engine light comes on. With steam pouring from under the hood, he pulls into a service station and talks to the attendant. The attendant tells him it'll be a half hour before they can get to his car. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he waddles over to cool off with an ice cream. After a half hour has passed, he heads back over to the station where he approaches the attendant.....Mr Penguin! It looks like you've blown a seal. Blushing, Mr Penguin wipes off his beak and says...oh no, sir, that's just ice cream.

I knew that ending was coming...

 

[Kilgon]

A friend of mine sent me this. Although it's funny it will make you think a little also.

View attachment Video.mov

 

[PoFoMoCo]

That’s Funny! A sad reminder of just how far we have regressed.

 

[secluff]

With so many car ads full of "Fluff," this conversion chart should help with some of the double-talk phrases used.

 

[basstrix]

A friend of mine sent me this. Although it's funny it will make you think a little also.

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Spending the weekend in the garage swappin trannys and playin with a new pair of hookers has taken on a whole new meaning?

 

[Retired2014]

Pepperidge farm