Girlfriend issues

[1hotboss]

Ok.. here is the story....I was living and engaged to my past girlfriend for 7.5 years.  We never set a wedding date, we had our ups and downs.  Well I caught her cheating on my in Dec2016, she said she was having the affair for 8 months and we split shortly after.  My previous relationship to her was a 6.5 year relationship and she also cheated on me.

I recently met someone about 4 weeks ago, she has a promiscuous past, but that never bothered  me because I felt connected to her when we were together.  The problem now is that I have caught her lying to me about her past and guys she was with.  Given my insecurities and trust issues currently what Dr Phil advice can you give me.

Thanks

 

[Jeff73Mach1]

You have options.

Run and avoid the possibility of pain or communicate and see if there is sufficient reason to expose yourself to the possibility of failure.

Being alone isn't bad if it is by your own choice. . . . being with someone and feeling alone is far worse

Either take the leap and trust in your chute, or ride the plane to the ground and never know what you might have been able to do.

 

[tony-muscle]

There can be a lot of ways of thinking about this one. There is no excuse for lying, specially this early in the relationship - not to mean that later is acceptable either. To me is more of a bad signal. If she is not being truthful now, there is a good chance that she will never be. Take a break. Go out with them, but stay away from a serious relationship until you feel you can trust them. No need to rush into things, take your time.

 

[73pony]

Ask her flat out why she is lying. It may just be her insecurity in what you might think of her. If you are OK with her past let her know it is OK to be truthful and that this is a better path to take than lying and denial. Hope this helps. I am a very upfront and forward person which on multiple occasions has gotten me in trouble but people always know where they stand with me,. Some people call it blunt or insensitive, I call it me.

 

[Carolina_Mountain_Mustangs]

I can tell you how I am now. I was married the first time for I think 16 years. She cheated on me and then packed up and left the day after our anniversary and had cleaned out the bank. I lost a really nice home and garage in the deal. Had to let bank have them. She has since been married 6 more times so that is 8 total. She calls me in between marriages and wants to get back together and I just laugh. I have a son from that marriage. Her daughter my step daughter passed away at 46 and would not allow her mother to come to see her in Hospice. I was the first person she called.

My second marriage, well I am still married legal separation but never done the divorce. She accused me of seeing someone else because I had to help my parents a lot and was with them. Dad had Parkinson's and Mom Alzheimer's. So I am 69 and I do not ever intend to have just one gal friend or for sure not another wife.

I worked my *** off and paid for the home I am in and my 4,000 sq. ft. garage and owe nobody anything. I only date women younger than me from 55 to yes 19. I tell everyone I go out with that I am here to enjoy life, not to argue, lie, fight about anything JUST ENJOY LIFE. The one I see the most is 26 and we have never had a cross word. She is a nurse and already owns her own home paid for. She is saving to buy a new car and will pay cash for it. She has no credit cards. Show me another gal 26 like that. She is funny and says that guys her age are stupid and boring. That is what I hear from all of the younger women.

So my advice to you is that as you get older it will become much more difficult to find someone that is a perfect fit if there is such a thing. The younger women in my life keep my adrenaline pumping and the older I can associate with more of a life style.

Anyone I date or go out with is told that they can date and see who they like I have absolutely no bond to hold them back from finding Mr. Right. I have not really seen one do that in the last 20 years.

I am one of those people that look at someone having a sexual relation is more like a hand shake to me. I takes nothing away from me or them and as long as safe does no person any harm. I think too much attention or feeling of hurt is put into knowing the person has had *** with someone else. I am one that believes in open relationships that way nobody will get hurt.

I have met several women in the medical field that wanted to get serious and marry and I backed away. One has a condo at Hilton Head, a permanent camper set up at Myrtle Beach, a mountain cabin, a lake cabin and two private homes all paid for. When she wanted to get serious I had to back away. She is a great person and still a friend but not fair to her. Another was a successful attorney 25 years younger than me and also again wanted to have a serious just us relationship I also backed away. Things and money do not bring happiness. Being happy brings happiness. Giving and caring for others makes me happy. I do not think one woman could do that for me. I am probably wrong since I am in the minority of my thinking.

 

[rvrtrash]

My opinion is that it usually takes a "Jesus" moment for people to change. If they run around and lie now, it will continue, no matter what they say or promise. If you don't want to accept that as part of your life, walk away now.

Steve

 

[jowens1126]

Theres no substitute for open honest communication. Until you have that both ways, your not ready to advance that relationship any farther.

And a word of advice, if your in a relationship more than 2 years and your over 30, either marry her or dump her. Dont ever string a woman out for 7 years. That is like begging to be cheated on. When I met my wife, We dated for 4 months, then I moved in, then 4 months later we got married. Either your in it, or not. Make up your mind, and go with it. If it doesnt work out, thats what divorce court is for. Otherwise, just decide to never get married and become a swinger and get used to changing girlfriends like underwear, or get used to watching them get banged by other dudes.

 

[Bentworker]

I had to make some popcorn for this thread!



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[luxstang]

Ok here's my opinion. I'm gonna be a bit blunt so don't be offended. It's meant to be a little provoking so that it gets the point clear.

First a "promiscuous past" is very often just gossip. I've known people who were known as being promiscuous but it only appeared that way to others because they were constantly going on dates with people but it never went anywhere. They didn't do it tr reel in great numbers of partners but to look for the right one. Once they found that person they stopped dating other people.

So much in favor of your girlfriend. It could be the other version too but who's to know?

Now comes the blunt part.  

The guys she was with is none of your business!

All that counts is how she treats you, now, in your relationship.

Even if her past life was like a revolving door, she may decide to be be monogamous now because she likes you. If her past is an issue to you your projecting your own insecurities onto her and have her take the blame for them.

As for her lying:

Maybe she's scared if she told you she was with many guys you'd think less of her and you'd push her away. She can be insecure too. Being promiscuous is usually one of the symptoms of insecurity.

Lies are bad but it depends on why you're being lied to.

Something else worth thinking about is this: your past has influenced you, made you what you are, insecurities and all. But every partner deserves a blank canvas to draw on.

Just as I'm not responsible for my fathers wrongdoings it's not her fault that your previous partners cheated on you.

Bottom line is, unless she's lying about things that affect your relationship directly, you should forget about it. Let her know she can trust you and she can tell you anything. That of course means you need to be mature enough to swallow the things you're gonna learn. (See "scared to be pushed away" above).

If she still holds things back, well, everyone has a past or done things they are not proud of. Those things have nothing to do with you. 

Now on the other hand if she's lying about things that are vital to your relationship, or hiding things from you or even cheating, get outta there. But make sure you got all the evidence.

 

[EdM]

Sounds like you need to meet a Mennonite, Hutterite or Amish lass.

 

[NOT A T5]

Oh the DRAMA! My girlfriend is in the garage and my bedroom is above the garage...WHAT else can I ask for?!