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I read this a few years ago on the Internet. The story about making babies reminded me of it...
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of
the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa
still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of
the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa
still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
