Don65Stang
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From a conversation this morning...
There are a few of us at work that grab a cup of coffee together most mornings and this morning we were comparing notes about getting our kids to improve their minor behavior patterns...talking in class, not picking up their room, not listening, etc.
My friend Angela is doing something I've used with my oldest son at 16 & 17 on her 6 year old, Susie. A few weeks ago they were at a Wedding Mass on the 3rd row in the middle of the pew with no easy way to exit with out stepping over others. Susie refused to kneel, didn't stand, was turning around and while being pleasant, refused to do anything Angela told her to do. Angela needed her to listen because her husband is deployed and she hads a baby and a 3 year old to care for also with them. Angela quietly said to Susie "I want you to remember this moment because I'm going to remind you of this later and you won't like what happens afterward". Susie was indifferent and behavior didn't improve.
The next morning, Saturday, the kids were watching cartoons and Angela quietly went in Susie's room with 5 large black outdoor trash bags and bagged up ALL of her toys, stuffed animals, the DS, everything then took the bags to the dining room. Shawn, the 3 year old, saw Mommy with the bags in the room and went to check it out. Shawn was worried but Angela said that she is only packing up Susie's stuff and pointed to his stuff saying his toys aren't going in the bags. Susie came into the dining room and asked what all this bags were for. Angela said, remember when I said to remember what you were doing in church last night? "Yes". Angela asked "why did you behave like that?". "Because I didn't want to listen". Angela said lets go up to your room. The room was now very neat, bed made (by Angela), and no toys anywhere. Angela said the black bags contain all your toys and you can earn them back over the next several weeks with good behavior at school and by listening to what I say. Susie seemed indifferent and displayed a no big deal look. Angela said to stay in her room until lunch time and think about this. She asked if she could lay down on her bed. Angela said sure, just stay in your room until lunch time. Susie asked "Where's big puppy?" (Big puppy was her stuffed animal she slept with every night). "In the black bag". Angela said that was when the flip switched from indifferent to oh no, not big puppy. She said Susie started crying but was reminded to stay in the room until lunch.
Several days of consistent good behavior went by before only big puppy and the DS was earned out of the bags. It's been three weeks. Angela said big puppy and the DS had to go back into the bag twice now. She said Susie's teacher called her because "Susie is different in class" and asked what was going on, said she's not talking in class or running around or anything, said she wants all the students to behave as good as Susie. Angela explained and the teacher was amazed and asked if she could tell the other parents. Angela said both Susie and Shawn's behavior have greatly improved and said that Shawn said he doesn't want his toys bagged up like Susie's.
I've done this type of thing with my son with his car radio and even the whole car and it worked very well at getting him to drive better and cut the grass. My take away from Angela's experience is that:
1. it works for young kids and apparently works well
2. it must have a long duration to earn items back and not just give it all back a few hours later
3. the kid will ask to earn back the items that are most important to them
4. the items they don’t want to earn back they don't really want/like/play with anymore; these items can be given away (BRILLIANT! way to clean out the room without them crying "no" and wanting to keep all the toys)
5. the items that can be given away are already bagged up for good will/yard sale/trash/whatever
6. the process is simple, repeatable, effective, uses what's really important to the child therefore makes the biggest impact to modify their long term behavior pattern
7. much more effective than a five minute "time out"
What do you think?
There are a few of us at work that grab a cup of coffee together most mornings and this morning we were comparing notes about getting our kids to improve their minor behavior patterns...talking in class, not picking up their room, not listening, etc.
My friend Angela is doing something I've used with my oldest son at 16 & 17 on her 6 year old, Susie. A few weeks ago they were at a Wedding Mass on the 3rd row in the middle of the pew with no easy way to exit with out stepping over others. Susie refused to kneel, didn't stand, was turning around and while being pleasant, refused to do anything Angela told her to do. Angela needed her to listen because her husband is deployed and she hads a baby and a 3 year old to care for also with them. Angela quietly said to Susie "I want you to remember this moment because I'm going to remind you of this later and you won't like what happens afterward". Susie was indifferent and behavior didn't improve.
The next morning, Saturday, the kids were watching cartoons and Angela quietly went in Susie's room with 5 large black outdoor trash bags and bagged up ALL of her toys, stuffed animals, the DS, everything then took the bags to the dining room. Shawn, the 3 year old, saw Mommy with the bags in the room and went to check it out. Shawn was worried but Angela said that she is only packing up Susie's stuff and pointed to his stuff saying his toys aren't going in the bags. Susie came into the dining room and asked what all this bags were for. Angela said, remember when I said to remember what you were doing in church last night? "Yes". Angela asked "why did you behave like that?". "Because I didn't want to listen". Angela said lets go up to your room. The room was now very neat, bed made (by Angela), and no toys anywhere. Angela said the black bags contain all your toys and you can earn them back over the next several weeks with good behavior at school and by listening to what I say. Susie seemed indifferent and displayed a no big deal look. Angela said to stay in her room until lunch time and think about this. She asked if she could lay down on her bed. Angela said sure, just stay in your room until lunch time. Susie asked "Where's big puppy?" (Big puppy was her stuffed animal she slept with every night). "In the black bag". Angela said that was when the flip switched from indifferent to oh no, not big puppy. She said Susie started crying but was reminded to stay in the room until lunch.
Several days of consistent good behavior went by before only big puppy and the DS was earned out of the bags. It's been three weeks. Angela said big puppy and the DS had to go back into the bag twice now. She said Susie's teacher called her because "Susie is different in class" and asked what was going on, said she's not talking in class or running around or anything, said she wants all the students to behave as good as Susie. Angela explained and the teacher was amazed and asked if she could tell the other parents. Angela said both Susie and Shawn's behavior have greatly improved and said that Shawn said he doesn't want his toys bagged up like Susie's.
I've done this type of thing with my son with his car radio and even the whole car and it worked very well at getting him to drive better and cut the grass. My take away from Angela's experience is that:
1. it works for young kids and apparently works well
2. it must have a long duration to earn items back and not just give it all back a few hours later
3. the kid will ask to earn back the items that are most important to them
4. the items they don’t want to earn back they don't really want/like/play with anymore; these items can be given away (BRILLIANT! way to clean out the room without them crying "no" and wanting to keep all the toys)
5. the items that can be given away are already bagged up for good will/yard sale/trash/whatever
6. the process is simple, repeatable, effective, uses what's really important to the child therefore makes the biggest impact to modify their long term behavior pattern
7. much more effective than a five minute "time out"
What do you think?
