Post your funny stories, jokes, cartoons, etc.

Bad Santa

Poor little Johnny wanted a Mustang model !!!

Grandparents know best!!!

Buy made in USA

midlife said:

An eighty-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of twenty-one. His trusted friend and adviser, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long an old man would be able to satisfy such a young bride and feared for his friend’s happiness. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand would probably help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea.
Four months later, the banker called on his friend. ‘How’s your new wife?’ he asked.
‘She’s pregnant,’ replied the old man.
The banker smiled knowingly. ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
‘Oh, she’s pregnant, too!’

Click to expand...

A newly Wed young farmer needed help so he went to town to the employment agency and told the person what he was there for. The agency had only a young helper and a old helper so the young farmer said he would hire the old man. The agency director said the young man would give the most work. The newly wed young farmer replied " I have an old tractor and a new wife and I don't want a thrown rod in either one of them.

A Polar Bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for: "A rum------‐----‐----------------------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and Coke". The bartender responds: "What's with the pause?"
Polar Bear replies: "I was born with them!!!"

A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Rock Springs, Wyoming. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....

farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the poultry store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket? Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket. Put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."