Post your funny stories, jokes, cartoons, etc.

[midlife]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of ****ographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"At first, I wanted to trash them too, but after giving it a little thought, I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun fainted.

 

[midlife]

 

[cjstaci]

 

[cjstaci]

View attachment IMG_0931.MOV

 

[Cleveland Crush]

View attachment 76265

Evidently he wanted a cheeseburger instead!

 

[PoFoMoCo]

A cowboy rides into town and stops at a saloon for a beer. Unfortunately, the locals had a bad habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink, he went outside and found his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy went back inside the bar, expertly flipped his gun in the air, caught it above his head and without even looking he fires a shot into the ceiling.

Which one of you sumbitches stole my horse?!” he asks with a surprising high level of forcefulness. Crickets… not a soul answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And you don’t want me to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer, walks outside, and finds his horse has been returned. The cowboy saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy sheepishly turns back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

[rio1856]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About two blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road, The Officer ask him to get out of the car and take the breathalyzer test. Just as he is about to blow into the handheld breath testing unit , the police radio informs the Officer of a robbery taking place in a house a couple of blocks away.

The Officer tell the party-goer to remain where he is, he will be right back; and he runs down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has 'flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They
ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with 'flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

 

[midlife]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

 

[Steve McMahan]

My favorite:

 

[Retired2014]

Just wrong…

 

[Retired2014]

I can relate…

 

[Cleveland Crush]

Better to use an sn95 mask vs this paper type

 

[Mach I Pony]

Well it's been six months and the backwoods hillbilly hermit comes to town. Just like clockwork every six months, no more no less. He walks into the hardware stores browses around a bit comes upon this big red sign advertising " The Best Saw Ever Invented. Guaranteed to cut down and buck ten trees a day. ( for all you city slickers who may not know, to buck means to cut into logs )
Well first he doesn't believe it, but then thinking if it works "It'd be a whole hell of a lot darn toot'n easy than with his ax. So he buys it and disappears in the forest, not to be seen for another six months.
But to everybody's non-believing eye, the very next day he's back at the hardware with the saw in hand. Madder than a wet cat, hotter than a fresh _ucked fox in a forest fire. riled more than a Tasmanian Devil stepping on a Lego block, he telling the hardware guy just what he thinks of the saw and it's promised performance. And I quote " I worked from sunup to sundown with that darn think and it didn't even begin to cut down a single tree. Hell a beaver with no teeth would of been faster."( this is the condensed version to save time and space and so as not to burn the ears off the more "gentel" readers )
So the hardware guy, Clem by the way takes it in the to check it out. After a bit the hermit, Harold hears a hell of a rackit and runs into the back to see what noise was about. He sees Clem and shouts " What's all the noise about ?" Clem holds out the saw , purring like a kitten ( a very large kitten ) with the chain flying around like greased lightning on steroids

As a side note a deaf and dumb ( hearing impaired ) guy walks into Clem's place and ask
for a screwdriver buy hold out his hand and twisting it left and right. Next a blind man walks in also wanting a screwdriver. How does he ask for?
Well DUH, he says, "Give me a screwdriver"

 

[TheRktmn]

Normally I don't give money to the Walmart exit people, but this guy needed it.

 

[Mach I Pony]

Normally I don't give money to the Walmart exit people, but this guy needed it.

I’ve only given money to one guy. You see them and one of your first thoughts is he’ll just go get a drink with it. The reason I gave him the money was that’s exactly what it said on his sign. “ “ F_ _ k it I need a drink “ He was telling the truth, what more can you ask for?

 

[Cleveland Crush]

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home.

On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

If you want to borrow it, give me a call

 

[cjstaci]

 

[PoFoMoCo]

A down-on-his luck actor named Jack was struggling to find work in the City. Despite a few, small roles, Jack had a reputation for being difficult to work with and he routinely slowed the production due to an uncontrollable desire for perfection.

Finally Jack’s agent calls and tells him "I’ve got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies Jack, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" says the agent, “even you can’t mess that up.”

"I love it!" says Jack. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," the agent replies, “don’t blow this Jack, we need this job”

On Wednesday, Jack arrives at the audition. On cue, Jack marches onto the stage and shouts, "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! Remember as soon as you hear the cannon roar, say your line. The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night, don’t be late."

Jack is so excited that he spends the next 3 days preparing for his line. Everywhere Jack goes, he practices his line…. “HARK is that a cannon I hear? Hark is that a CANNON I hear? Hark is that a cannon I HEAR??”

Finally, it’s Saturday evening and Jack runs to the theater, he’s confident he is ready for his line. Its Showtime! As Jack steps onto the stage, the curtains raise and Jack sees that it’s a full house.

Suddenly, the cannon roars with a huge crash of sound, smoke and fire and
Jack shouts out, bewildered…

"What the **** was THAT?”

 

[Kilgon]

Two bums are sitting outside a crowed bar wanting a drink but they don't have any money. After sitting there awhile, one says he has an idea and will be back. He proceeds to go inside and works his way up to the bar. Hey bartender, give me a double whiskey. The bartenders gives him a double and takes off to the other end of the bar to wait on a couple more customers. After taking care of the other customers, the bartender comes back and tells the bum it will be $4.. The bum looks at him and says he already paid him. The bartender pauses for a minute and said he sorry and that he's been so busy he can't keep track of things tonight. The bum leaves and tells he buddy what he did. His buddy then proceeds and goes in to try the same thing. He orders a beer and a shot. The bartender serves him and takes off once again to wait on a few more customers. After a few minutes he comes back and tells the bum it will be $6. The bum looks at him and saids that he has already paid him. The bartender thinks for a second and says, I'm sorry, I just been so busy tonight I can't keep track of who's paid. Without hesitation, the bum replies, could you give me my change back from the $20 I gave you.

 

[tpj71mach]